A letter for Cassie’s collection

Dear 20-year-old me,

Hi! How are ya? A little advice goes a long way, especially at your age. At some point, you will be a few years shy of twice as old as you are now. (I know! Right?)

At that point in time, you will have a life that is 99.99% awesome and then .01% not-awesome in a way that is completely your own doing. In fact, the 99.99% awesome is also your own doing. You should know that. You are making the decisions; you are in control of your life. Do not think at any point that you do not have options. You. Have. Options.

That said, occasionally you will choose poor ones. Like that guy that you date. And break up with. And date again. And break up with again. And so on. For THREE YEARS. I would tell you not to do this, but you need to endure him and the boys before and after him who break your heart in various ways.

You make these choices so you can learn all of the don’ts in a very short period of time (way to be efficient!). One day, in a place you least expect it, you will meet a man who is the best thing that ever happens to you. He will not remember meeting you. It will take a long time to become friends and then an even longer time until that first kiss, and that is a-ok. Hang in there–it happens. You spend the next rest of your life getting married, moving a lot, laughing a lot, entertaining a lot, adventuring, and being owned by a dog together. And all of the guys who couldn’t get it together to take you on a proper date or bring you flowers or remember your birthday will be nothing in comparison to him.

I would, however, like you to choose to stop torturing yourself over them. Over your family. Over your career. Over pretty much everything. Knock off the self-recriminations, the guilt, the overthinking already. You’re too young to feel guilty about having survived… what? What did you survive? Sophomore year? Yes, you had a rough freshman year, but seriously. Get some perspective. Make sure you take that volunteer gig at the elementary school. Go get that grief counseling. You deserve to be happy.

You will graduate and have jobs and go to business school and get more jobs, and the whole time you will think you are not qualified for this, that they will see through you. I will let you in on a secret–EVERYONE FEELS THIS WAY. Make the decision to nip this one early before it becomes a bad habit.

While we are on habits, you need some better stress management tools, because M&Ms are not a method. Be more disciplined with your exercise, but also be more thoughtful–those little injuries start to add up. Sit up straight like your mom said.

Don’t mess with your hair. Just let it grow out and leave it alone. This advice alone should save you hours of hairdresser torture and whimpering over baby bangs, pixie cuts, and red dye jobs that wash out within a week of blowing a sizable chunk of a paycheck on them. Instead, take that money and put it into savings so when you quit that job you hate, you have a plan B. Have a plan B before you quit the job though.

So, you have choices. The best ones that you make are the ones where you stop listening to that little voice of monkey chatter and start listening to your heart. Best of luck. Let me know how it goes.

Love,
Future me

The videos have been auto-posting, and the Twitter has been auto-tweeting, and the Flickr has been auto-shooting, and the writer… she has not been auto-writing. What in fact have I been doing the last… oh jeez, seven months?!?!

It turns out that I have been traveling a ton, finally moving into Boston, and reading through the entire Randy Wayne White ‘Doc Ford’ series on plane rides while totally ignoring all things cultural and relevant*. Yes, people, I shallowed up quite a lot the last seven months. As we slide into the dog days of summer though (Ed.–”Dog days”? You live in an apartment with central air and work in a building that refrigerates like it was the morgue.), it’s time to get cracking on the goals for 2010! Finally.

Goals for 2010

Wait. I have to go find them. (phone call, dish-washing, laundry-folding). Oh right!

1. Create a financial plan.
2. Eat a healthy diet.
3. Run a 10K.
4. Do the other stuff to support running (yoga, chiropractor appointments, cross-training).
5. Ensure success at work.
6. Learn to take better photos.
7. Plan & take 1 international vacation.
8. Reach out to family & friends on a regular basis.
9. (+ 2 secret goals).

I still have five months to get some of this stuff done. Some of it is ongoing or required initial steps, which are complete. And… that’s that for tonight. Perhaps I can get back on track with the updates. Or, uh, not. We’ll see.

*Don’t judge–I read Chris Cleave’s The Other Hand and Dave Eggers’ What Is the What in quick succession and was ruined for stories for awhile.

When I was in high school, I decided I wanted to go overseas on an exchange program. A summer in Paris was insufficient. I wanted a year. My overwhelmed parents said, “You figure it out, whatever it is you have to do to get in. You do that and you can go.” I think they underestimated my desire to go. I applied to the American Friends Service Committee’s program and distinctly remember the part of the application that asked where I wanted to go. I put “Greece, Turkey, Italy, somewhere warm”. My acceptance letter came and under location assigned, it said: “SRI LANKA“.

And then we got out the atlas.

Sri Lanka is almost exactly halfway around the world from the Massachusetts town I was living in. Its culture is distinct–a multicultural mishmash of  religions and languages. I stayed with the Abeywickremas, a Sinhalese family I liked a great deal and still talk to today. They were a kind and generous Buddhist family, one that has done all of the right things in raising two sons and one daughter. They have gone on to help raise their grandson and the children of their household servants, who are more likely family than employees. You would be hard-pressed to meet a family that has done as much for the next generations as this one has. They looked after me as their own, as well, calling me their “American daughter”. Many of the Sri Lankans I met were similar, looking after each other and their families.

The violence that had waned long enough for AFS to consider sending students there flared up again. Suddenly school buses were being blown up, school was shut down, and foreigners were encouraged to leave. One day we were there, and the next, our small group of AFS students was leaving the country and headed to Europe. After months of preparation, months with our families, months of language classes, months of getting used to the more conservative culture and how to ride the bus and the dawn wake-ups by the monks on the loudspeakers and curries too hot to eat, we were going to Europe, all of us quite crushed.

I loved Sri Lanka and its quirkiness. The way everyone has multiple businesses running, a little here and a little there. The way a long skirt and a short sleeve shirt are a bit daring. String hoppers. The way Buddhism has infused the Sinhalese culture. The way Muslims coexist with Buddhists. The sprawling families and how they will take in another family member’s child if it is necessary. The super-complicated intricacies of government on an island slightly larger than West Virginia. The way I have to sound out the rhythmic names syllable by syllable to get it right. The love and hatred for the colonizers and the traits they have left behind on the people. The beauty of the ocean juxtaposed with the poor living on the beaches. The languages and the head wobbles.

I went back in 2005, after I had finished business school. I spent two weeks visiting and traveling as much on my own as the Abeywickremas allowed. It was not long post-tsunami, so I was able to visit a refugee camp, see the destruction on the coastline, and witness the aid operations’ results. I also had the opportunity to go to the northern town of Jaffna during a brief ceasefire between the Sri Lankan government troops and the LTTE rebel fighters. Jaffna had long been the center of operations for the LTTE. The Red Cross workers there thought I was crazy, but it was important to me to see the whole picture. I had spent almost all of my time previously in Colombo, the multicultural capitol. What would it be like to be in Tamil-dominated Jaffna? It reminded me a great deal of Cuba, where I had been just a few months prior. Development was 40 years behind. The cars were old. The buildings that were still standing, even older, had bullet holes. The people were generally wary and less curious about me. In Colombo, people would stop me and ask me questions about where I was from and what I was doing in their country. They would touch my blonde hair and kids would stroke my pale white arms. In Jaffna, there could only be a few reasons I was there, none of them a result of anything good. Jaffna is not for the tourist. It was a disheartening experience, to see a whole town afraid of itself, 40 years behind, and aware of foreigners only as aid workers.

Four years later, the Sri Lankan government claims it has cornered the remaining LTTE fighters in one small sector on the northeast coast. One small sector full of some of the most ruthless fighters in South Asia… and thousands of civilians who are trapped there. The LTTE is reportedly using them as human shields and pressing them into service as fighters, resulting in the government being unwilling to let them out. Or possibly vice versa. It’s hard to know, as so few reporters have been allowed in the area. Civilians are being killed at an average rate of 70 a day since late January. While the government is trying to end the 30-year war against the rebels, the civilians are caught in the middle. Civilians who have been displaced, who are dying from dehydration and malnutrition and disease. Civilians who have no work, no money, no homes, and now no reason to not pick up weapons against those who have put them in this position. While the LTTE needs to stop using the civilians, the government is creating a longer-running war with their current relentless offensive.

At this stage, few aid groups are allowed to assess and help the 100,000 civilians who have already fled to refugee camps. The groups that are there are overwhelmed with need. If the ceasefire that’s been called for to allow the remaining civilians to be evacuated happens, these camps will swell in numbers by an estimated 50,000. Conditions are already bad in the camps, as there is little space, little fresh water, and little in the way of supplies in this remote region. It is summer there now, and diseases are now becoming a serious concern with the larger numbers, poor sanitation, and few medical personnel and medicines. The situation has been described as “dramatic” and a “catastrophe”.

There is a lot to love about this country and it what it represents in terms of a group of disparate cultures finding a way to coexist equitably. I hope that in my lifetime I can see that become the case and to visit again and again a country that evolves into a peaceful place for its generous people to live. I hope that in your lifetime you get the opportunity to visit this amazing place–the birthplace of Buddhism, the crossroads of European colonizers, and the amalgamation of wildly different cultures into one people.

What you can do to help:

Learn More & Spread the Word

• NY Times Topics: Sri Lanka
• Photos of what’s happening
• How Will Sri Lanka Reconcile After a Bitter War? – Christian Science Monitor
• Account from Doctors Without Borders’ doctor on the scene
• World Concern report from February
• Caritas’ wounded director is staying in Vanni under heavy bombardment until the last person is out
• UN video reporting 50K civilians trapped
• Washington Lobbyists Cash In On War in Sri Lanka

Make a Donation

• UNHCR appeal
• CARE
• Save the Children UK

US Citizen Advocacy

• Email USAID’s mission in Sri Lanka to ask them to ask for an increase in emergency aid beyond the US$15M granted earlier this month: infosl@usaid.gov

If you recall, I had some plans for this year. To wit:

Guidelines for 2009

* Do the hard thing first.
* Be Abby.
* Be consistent.

Top 10 Goals

1. Spend 30 min/day on me. – Not done. Struggling to accomplish this.
2. Kickass employment/predictable revenue streams. — Working on it!
3. Start a side business. — Working on it slowly.
   
4. Write something long-form. — Working on it slowly.
5. Get summer vacation tickets before April — Possible hold, pending Goal #2.
6. Meet financial goals for 2009. — Ongoing.
7. Make house comfortable. – Massive progress!
8. Take 1 picture & post daily. — Not done. Struggling to accomplish this.
9. Compete in triathlon. — Workouts are progressing, tri signed up for, all systems go!
10. Manage me better. — Not done. Struggling to accomplish this.

Every Sunday (usually), I sit down and review the goals for my accomplishments, disappointments, and lessons for the previous week and plan the next week. This part is working brilliantly. What’s not working so well is actually doing the things on the plan.

Perhaps it’s the new Twitter obsession. Or having to understand a new Facebook layout every two months. Or spending too much time telling the dog “Off!” and “No!” and “Don’t eat that!” (”But, Moooooom…”)

There are two parts to my struggle to accomplish the goals:

1) What if the idea in my head doesn’t come out as well once executed? This hangs me up on the photo taking, the writing, and the side business. I get caught up in how to make it match what’s in my head as part of the planning process and then I never actually do it. I haven’t figured out a solution to this yet. Any ideas?

2) It all feels like chores on a to-do list, and I’m not doing anything fun. To counter this, I’ve decided that the things that are actual chores on my list get 1 point per 1 hour/task completed. Five points means I can take an afternoon to do something I like to do with no guilt attached; 10 points means I can do something that costs money, like go to the movies, again no guilt attached.

As far as the guidelines go, I tried out not letting myself do anything fun until after I had completed that day’s hard tasks. No go. It just made the whole day chore-ridden and lacking in any sort of amusement. I have been more successful in being me–laying down boundaries, sharing some of my strengths, and not apologizing for weaknesses. The weekly planning is helping with the consistency, as is nailing down a more regular schedule. I’m truly terrible at the free-form Zen-like no-schedule days: I get nothing done and feel guilty about having spent all day on it.

On the two goals on which I’ve made massive progress:

• Make house more comfortable: Photos of the new veggie beds and container gardens and an ornamental grass bed
• Compete in triathlon: I have some funky tan lines I’ve earned with swimming 2x/week & the longest bike ride yet (12 miles).

Next quarter, I should have some news on the job front, photos from the summer vacation, and the financial progress pending the job. I can’t believe we’re 25% done with 2009. So fast. Too fast.

The birth of evil

The birth of anything but astronomy events, really

The fitness

Your testimony

The coolest Cocomo demo ever

The Orb of Chatham

The third wave of socialism in America

The power of this fully armed and operational battlestation

According to the sign at Fry’s, there are only 13 days left until Christmas. I didn’t know how close it was until we were there, in front of the sheet of paper declaring it so. In the past, I have loved Christmas. The lights and the trees and the ornaments. Finding the perfect present and making cookies. Seafood dinner on Christmas Eve and hot cocoa on Christmas Day. Every other year we make a trip to some place warm and sunny with a beach and plentiful drinks.

This year, though, we are not celebrating Christmas. No lights, no ornaments, no presents, no beach. Between the state of the economy, me not having a paying gig since March, and now B.’s job ending at the end of January, all resources are in full conservation mode. I am extraordinarily thankful for our having savings, being skilled and employable, not buying more house than we could afford, getting new tenants in, and most of all having the love and health of each other and our families.

Still, Christmas day will be a Thursday, like every other Thursday, and the year will likely end with a sigh instead of a cheer. I’m not the only one feeling this way, but for someone who finds this time of year to usually be a thoughtful look back and a hopeful look forward, this worry is definitely a new feeling. One I’d like to ask Santa to exchange for something a little brighter.

I’ve been working on my 2009 goals lately. I am big on the goal-setting. Last year I picked up a copy of Jinny Ditzler’s Your Best Year Yet!: Ten Questions for Making the Next Twelve Months Your Most Successful Ever on Chris Brogan’s recommendation. It’s super-helpful in terms of thinking about how to make and set plans for the year in a way that isn’t cheesey or overly “personal development”-y. It does use the phrase “limiting paradigm”, which turned me off at first, but then became particularly relevant.

Part of the book made me realize: Being in a competitive educational environment without any kind of attention to how my brain was working emotionally led me to make the connection that

success =  spotlight = target= bad

At the time, this was factually untrue, and I even had models for how untrue it was. How I made this connection I’m still working out. At any rate, I routinely aimed for the quiet and more personally comfortable success of 2nd place–an accomplishment, but not a target; clearly an achiever, but not in the spotlight. While that may have worked in high school (even though it really didn’t), it’s useless now, except to hold me back from doing things I want to do. My family & friends will love me whether I succeed or fail, so I might as well succeed.

Enough of that. 2009 is going to be much more fun than 2008 ever was. Let’s start early with stuff I love!

(Inspired by Meg Fowler’s Friday Love List)

I love:

1. Peppermint bark
2. Della the Weimaraner snuggling in bed next to me
3. Twitter
4. Fresh flowers next to the bed
5. Ripping articles out of magazines
6. Having goals
7. Ben’s sweatshirts
8. Pasta
9. White Christmas lights
10. Scrooged
11. Working outside in the sun to make a garden
12. Satsumas
13. Towels fresh from the dryer
14. USC kicking some UCLA butt all over the football field
15. Hulu
16. My friends
17. My family
18. Always & 4eva as they say back home, Ben

What do you love? Will you still love it in 2009?